Reign 1×15: Uteri and Pagans

You know, this show is consistently entirely ridiculous, but it’s at least rather fun, and the clothes are very pretty.

Henry Is Behaving Like A Man With A Kingdom At His Disposal And It’s Apparently Shocking

Henry STUNS Kenna by bringing in a prostitute and watching them get it on. I think I’m supposed to think he’s behaving shockingly. Oh, he does then kill the prostitute, though. Well, I guess that’s bad. Kenna enlists Catherine for help. Catherine, who continues to be the best, is like, look, you said you accidentally fucked that other woman out of the window and she fell to her death, which was fine, but did you strangle this one ON PURPOSE? Party foul, Kingy-poo. Actually, she tells him to see Nostradamus. HAHAHA. Great idea. 15 points for silliness. It’s fun, and Henry (aside from Historical Henri not being crazy) is at least SORT OF behaving like he lives in the sixteenth century.

Henry, you see, is evidently going insane, but his insanity is causing him to want other people to respect his kingly authority, which seems not crazy? I mean, I grant that strangling prostitutes is bad, but French kings were total womanizers and they were pretty fond of their kingly authority! I’m pretty sympathetic to Henry on this one. (Stop fucking women to death, though.) plus 8.

Mary is Alive and Upright, So She Has That In Her Favor

Mary, the Most Understanding Queen Ever, is helping Lola (the pregnant one) find a husband so she can pretend her child (Francis’s, remember, from that time they hung out in a brothel) is legitimate.  (“Lola just wants to get married, like all women do,” says Mary, making me roll my eyes.) It turns out that she actually wants Lola to get married so she’ll LEAVE, and Mary can be happy with the floppy-haired king-in-waiting of her dreams, but still. No points, because I appreciate Mary being open-minded but REALLY.

Oh, the guy Lola wants to marry? Prefers men. IN HIS BED, don’t you know. Francis tells this to Mary, and somehow neither of them, despite the fact that they are devout sixteenth-century Catholics, is upset by this. Mary does tell Lola, who’s kind of upset, but only because she wants to have a straight husband, which I suppose is reasonable. -20 points. Look, I am all for gay rights and for actually having diverse characters on TV, but the sixteenth century was not into either condoning homosexuality or anything approaching inclusiveness, so this is just silly. Don’t pretend people in the past didn’t hold opinions we find repugnant!

Mary’s uterine occupancy rate is, AS IT SHOULD BE, a continued topic of much interest in the castle. An uppity serving maid tells Mary she should eat tons of pastries to get pregnant, which seems UNLIKELY TO WORK. Yeesh. I guess it was hard to find good help in the sixteenth century. Plus 9. Mary’s refusal to ever discipline staff realistically aside, yay for everyone being obsessed with her getting pregnant.

Greer is still sneaking around with her kitchen guy, and gets one of her suitors to offer him an apprenticeship so that he can move up in the world. It’s rather sweet, and I appreciate a plot, even a small one, in which someone is trying to be upwardly mobile. (Apprenticeships, and Church positions, could lead to upward mobility: Thomas Becket and Thomas Wolsey were both the sons of merchants, and rose to be the chief ministers of Henry II and Henry VIII, respectively.) Plus 15.

Meanwhile, Chez Pagan

Bash is still hanging out with the Sarcastic Huntress, whom I continue to love. She makes fun of Bash for believing that he, royal bastard, and Mary, a queen practically since birth, would make it. THANK YOU for pointing out the obvious!!! Plus 3.

Anyway, The Darkness is floating around doing dark things and you’re not supposed to look at it but Bash did and now the Sarcastic Huntress has been taken and he’s gone out looking for her. Poor Bash. He was going to be king and now all he’s got is this weird plotline. No points.

Nostradamus Did Stuff Too

And honestly I have no idea what it is. None at all. Something about baptizing the Evil Wife from Jane the Virgin (which was super cute, aside from the eye-rolling title and totally absurd premise and the part where you have to get over medical malpractice being somehow heartwarming). No points.

Not a ton of points to go around this time. I really wish this show were about Henry and Catherine, because frankly, Mary and Francis are boring. But hey, stuff is brewing, and yay for that.